I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine....

God,
I can only imagine....

A letter to Dad ...

Perhaps it's so dark, perhaps it's empty, perhaps it's cold, perhaps it's another sorry, or perhaps it's all a lie....

Lord,
Im so sad, so sorry, so bad... Im clueless of what Im doing, what I did, and what I want to do, Im so far from you, Im so scared, so confused, I wanted to tell you, but Im afraid I couldnt hear you or even if I can hear you, Im so scared to rely on your decisions... Why now my life seems a total mess? You want to know what... I feel so lonely, so depressed, so dull, and so insecure deep within my soul... and I couldnt help but feel so sorry to him, O God, for all that Ive done, betraying his love, and even after he knew all that I've done, he's willing to forgive me, love me and start all over with me once again.. I know hes so broken, so sad... O God, my heart pains so much, and it hurts me so much, what should I do O My Lord......

And I know Ive hurt You so much God...I chosed the path of my life, to be away from you, and You started to fade away slowly yet I dont realized how much loss in my soul without You in my everyday life, without Your whisper, Your smile, Your touch, Your guidance and Your blessings upon my day... apart of all that, Im still enjoying the lust of this world, make a relationship, and be sad, then maybe I will have a glance of you in my thought, I realized Im so far so far away from you, from your holiness, from your light, from your glory... Seems like Im heading to hell, I think myself, Everyday I asked you to give me time, give me just another little time to fix everything out but all seems like lie after lie to you....

Lord,
What should I do? I feel like I lose everything in my life, I lose you, I dont have anything, and I dont know how to fix everything out...Jesus, could you please give me strength? Could you please tell me what to do? Could you please cure me? Could you please forgive me? Could you please open my eyes? Could you please dont leave me?

I've hurt you so much, and one word he said tucked my heart so deep... I asked him after all that Ive done, why still he dont leave me? Why still he loves me so much? He told me, then you need to ask Jesus why he still love the world so much after all we've done and he told me he started to feel a little bit perhaps of Your pain on the cross, the betrayal, Jesus, I dont deserve his love, I dont deserve all these kindness...who am I that You sent such a good person in my life, who am I O God? Why Your so good to me, so kind to me, I saw this blessing when Im in the worst state... O God...

Without You in my life Jesus, everyday I live in fear, fear what if I die now, and it happens I cant see you, my conscience keep judging me, Im so tired of sinning, of this life...

Jesus,
Please heal me, help me, and open my eyes...