How are you? I miss you ... Please dont leave me yet. I really wanted to get closer to you, please find a way for me God. But sometimes you know what ? I just want to get away from all people,
Chloe, How long r u going to be like in this kind of spiritless mood?
You should go on, u have a long way to go, God has a special plan for u. You should try to look for His plan on u.
You know what? After i broke up with u, from Nov 2010 till Jan 2011, i am in very very low mood, thinking of looking for prostitute to revenge on u, going to pubs. Fortunately, i didnt actually find any prostitutes with my stingy style. But i indeed went with my friends 3 times to pub and club in Sibu during Dec Christmas Eve and 1 Jan 2011, drink and sing.
But afterwards, i got to introduce to a girl by my fren, and i actually didnt want to go meet that girl, since my fren said she is tall, and born 1984, graduated from NZ. My actual conditions for finding a new gf are should be short and cute just like u, should not have high education level, SPM the best, and born in 1985 or younger. But when i met her that day onwards and continuous meet, i found that i actually fall in love with her already, though she didnt meet all my criteria. I suddenly realise that what God provides, we will definitely be satisfied.
What i want to tell u is, that u should not be like this anymore, just everyday being so down, so low mood, u have a breath that God give u and me, if one day this breath was taken away by God, then any of us will regret why we just keep thinking in the past, where actually we can go ahead our life, as long as we had actually repented to God for what we had done wrong before, God will definitely cleanse our sins and dont see it anymore provided we dont sin ever again.
So, u should get active, like before, may be thinking of joining insurance career with ur insurance frens(may be we can compete in good ways each other in the future, who knows), or you can think of doing what u like, ur interest e.g. makeup or beauty. Or if u don't intend to look into worldly things already, you can serve in the church as full-time teacher(as u went thru a lot of experiences which u can give advise on the young children or youngster),or other which will help build up your confidence, while also building closer relationship with God.
YOu should keep going to that City Harvest Church, join their youth group, get to know people inside and also serve inside it.
I dont recommend you to find another bf straight away, as it may takes a few yrs for you to recover from past experiences. But i believe you will definitely get back to normal within a few yrs, as from what i know u, u like talking to people(this is your special advantage, which not many plp have)
One thing to ALWAYS keep in mind any second, is that what i said before, BEWARE of Satan, he kept looking for plp, who are easily to be eaten, whenever they are too dependent on themselves, too confident on themselves, too rich.
I shouldnt have done that sex thing with u while still not married, also not respect ur body and my body, even if i thought that u will surely one day be my wife, as nothing guarantees, so i already sinned to God too on this thing. And i am sorry for it, and i had repented to God for cleansing on it already. Have u repent to God on it already? We should ask God to cleanse our every single sin, and would promise not to ever sin again.
Take care urself, Bilin. I know it's not easy for you right now to go thru this low valley. But you still have to go thru it. Your mum, your sister, your grandma all loves u,they surely want to do anything to help u restore back to your normal life. This is God's gift for you. Though i'm not ur bf anymore, but I love u as a brother in Christ.
And don't ever get to have idea of suicide or hurting yourself, as all of these are from Satan's plan. He is very glad to see u or me being like this. I thought of suicide while in KL too, but fortunately i didnt do it.
I am sorry to tell u that i cant see u anymore at lease right now, hope you can understand my situation,as i should be sticked to her only, i only want to be concentrated on one, not loving her and then with u at the same time, this gives chance to Satan again, and is not allowed in God as well. May be we can meet after some yrs later, say 5 or 10 yrs, when at that time, when we met, may be we will both just laugh out when we saw each other, while i got married and u probably have got married too or have a nice bf who also love God.
Promise me to be positive and active again, o.k? I dont like to see you kept being like this. You know there are many plp who are even far worse than us,e.g. daughter got killed by her own father without any reason, girl got hit by a truck and got killed while last yr her sister got drowned too. There are far more, many many plp who are less fortunate than us.
We should thank God for what we still have, not keep focusing at what things we had lost or gone.
I really dont hate u anymore, and i had already forgiven for what u did to me. So, u should forgive urself and make sure that u dont sin again.
I went back few days ago, and I found out that I bought one book before "Lost In Church" ..I put it in my bag, thought of reading it everyday. I dont know what God's plan towards me, but yeah, almost everyday in my life, I feel so lost and empty, Im so scared of being lonely, Im so scared to be alone, and I really love my family so much, everytime I just blame God, I ask God...why Im not born in a good family, why Im this, Why Im that..but sometime in the street, I saw people without leg, I know that their condition are even worse than me, before I knew you had a girlfriend, there's so many time, i broke down suddenly throughout the day, just thinking how I can hurt you like this..im without my conscious what Im doing, I betray you, I hurt you, but it turns out that my heart being hurted the most by my own deeds. And even so many times i tried to sms you, but it just went to dreft box, I dont have the courage to talk to you. So many times, I ask God, did He want us to be together again, but again I thought myself that Im too dirty for you already, and that I really cant completely forgive myself if I go back to you, yet occasionally I miss you so much, thinking how good I never went to KL, hehe, but I think also if I never went to KL ..perhaps your temper would never get well.. well, at least I get an answer from God about one thing... your not for me, since you had girlfriend already, i dont need to keep battling myself, whether we are for each other or not. you know worst thing in my life is to make choices, from chosing one menu when i eat until the choices to choose to put God in my life, I wish a lot of things in my heart a lot a lot of things, on how to serve God, but really my wish is that I dare to stand up for Jesus, for His name one day freely, just that right now i dont have the courage, i dont know why... but i know that He's blessing me so much in my job, everyday Im worrying about my sales, yet He blessed me so much, really, and now even my boss noticed about my outstanding performance in sales, I know I need to learn to believe Jesus, to trust Him ... but the devil is keeping me too strong, leaving me breatheless, I feel so dirty, so tired, so tired... what can I do? so helpless, I feel like one small ant in this big world, I love my grandmother, my mom and my sister, I dont want them to go to hell, lately I cant sleep well, every night, image of hell come in my mind, everyday Jesus came to my mind, yet I dont know why I didnt make any effort to go near him, I wanted to tell Him I love him so much. Sometime I feel so tired, I really wish I can go to Australia half study half working, but when I see my mom, I really cant , I cant use her money, so study actually is no longer a choice Im struggling anymore. Just Im so tired, so tired of this life everyday, yet I cannot go back to Sibu, I dont have anything, but I know I need to keep going on, I just wish I could have that secure feeling, which Im wondering when I will manage to have that kind of feeling, and also I love you so much, that love is unexplainable, I dont know what love is that also, but at least I know it's clean, I wish God would bless you all of your life. In my deepest heart, I wish you happiness with your future family, and with God, and you will go to heaven.
In my heart, I know clearly that Jesus is coming so soon. But my heart is still in between worldy things and the desire to serve God. I wish I could have a comfortable car, home, family . yet I know all these are not everlasting. But you know if one day, Im totally cured, In my imagination, I saw myself in front of a lot of churches, congregations, touching people, hugging people, crying for the lost teenager, telling people words that Jesus really want the world to know, His Heart, His Suffering and His Love, I would go around to deliver people, to pray for people, to anoint people, and reaching out peoples heart, in my imagination, I dont care at all how I looks, I dont care how ugly if I cried, cried out loudly, shouting for God. I would go around the world, help those little kids who are totally helpless, those african kids, I would heal people in Jesus name, and also I would pray and fast with the church member for many days and see things beyond things, and my life is just for Him, just Him until the day I will reunited with Him. I longed to have a personal relationship with Him. focus on Him. Really i feel so sad I betrayed Jesus, I hurt Him everyday, I understand that He loved me so much, Everyday I hurt Him.
Chloe, How long r u going to be like in this kind of spiritless mood?
ReplyDeleteYou should go on, u have a long way to go, God has a special plan for u. You should try to look for His plan on u.
You know what? After i broke up with u, from Nov 2010 till Jan 2011, i am in very very low mood, thinking of looking for prostitute to revenge on u, going to pubs. Fortunately, i didnt actually find any prostitutes with my stingy style. But i indeed went with my friends 3 times to pub and club in Sibu during Dec Christmas Eve and 1 Jan 2011, drink and sing.
But afterwards, i got to introduce to a girl by my fren, and i actually didnt want to go meet that girl, since my fren said she is tall, and born 1984, graduated from NZ. My actual conditions for finding a new gf are should be short and cute just like u, should not have high education level, SPM the best, and born in 1985 or younger.
But when i met her that day onwards and continuous meet, i found that i actually fall in love with her already, though she didnt meet all my criteria. I suddenly realise that what God provides, we will definitely be satisfied.
What i want to tell u is, that u should not be like this anymore, just everyday being so down, so low mood, u have a breath that God give u and me, if one day this breath was taken away by God, then any of us will regret why we just keep thinking in the past, where actually we can go ahead our life, as long as we had actually repented to God for what we had done wrong before, God will definitely cleanse our sins and dont see it anymore provided we dont sin ever again.
So, u should get active, like before, may be thinking of joining insurance career with ur insurance frens(may be we can compete in good ways each other in the future, who knows), or you can think of doing what u like, ur interest e.g. makeup or beauty. Or if u don't intend to look into worldly things already, you can serve in the church as full-time teacher(as u went thru a lot of experiences which u can give advise on the young children or youngster),or other which will help build up your confidence, while also building closer relationship with God.
YOu should keep going to that City Harvest Church, join their youth group, get to know people inside and also serve inside it.
I dont recommend you to find another bf straight away, as it may takes a few yrs for you to recover from past experiences. But i believe you will definitely get back to normal within a few yrs, as from what i know u, u like talking to people(this is your special advantage, which not many plp have)
continued....
ReplyDeleteOne thing to ALWAYS keep in mind any second, is that what i said before, BEWARE of Satan, he kept looking for plp, who are easily to be eaten, whenever they are too dependent on themselves, too confident on themselves, too rich.
I shouldnt have done that sex thing with u while still not married, also not respect ur body and my body, even if i thought that u will surely one day be my wife, as nothing guarantees, so i already sinned to God too on this thing. And i am sorry for it, and i had repented to God for cleansing on it already. Have u repent to God on it already? We should ask God to cleanse our every single sin, and would promise not to ever sin again.
Take care urself, Bilin. I know it's not easy for you right now to go thru this low valley. But you still have to go thru it. Your mum, your sister, your grandma all loves u,they surely want to do anything to help u restore back to your normal life. This is God's gift for you. Though i'm not ur bf anymore, but
I love u as a brother in Christ.
And don't ever get to have idea of suicide or hurting yourself, as all of these are from Satan's plan. He is very glad to see u or me being like this. I thought of suicide while in KL too, but fortunately i didnt do it.
I am sorry to tell u that i cant see u anymore at lease right now, hope you can understand my situation,as i should be sticked to her only, i only want to be concentrated on one, not loving her and then with u at the same time, this gives chance to Satan again, and is not allowed in God as well. May be we can meet after some yrs later, say 5 or 10 yrs, when at that time, when we met, may be we will both just laugh out when we saw each other, while i got married and u probably have got married too or have a nice bf who also love God.
Promise me to be positive and active again, o.k?
I dont like to see you kept being like this.
You know there are many plp who are even far worse than us,e.g. daughter got killed by her own father without any reason, girl got hit by a truck and got killed while last yr her sister got drowned too. There are far more, many many plp who are less fortunate than us.
We should thank God for what we still have, not keep focusing at what things we had lost or gone.
I really dont hate u anymore, and i had already forgiven for what u did to me. So, u should forgive urself and make sure that u dont sin again.
Remember God will provide.
I went back few days ago, and I found out that I bought one book before "Lost In Church" ..I put it in my bag, thought of reading it everyday. I dont know what God's plan towards me, but yeah, almost everyday in my life, I feel so lost and empty, Im so scared of being lonely, Im so scared to be alone, and I really love my family so much, everytime I just blame God, I ask God...why Im not born in a good family, why Im this, Why Im that..but sometime in the street, I saw people without leg, I know that their condition are even worse than me, before I knew you had a girlfriend, there's so many time, i broke down suddenly throughout the day, just thinking how I can hurt you like this..im without my conscious what Im doing, I betray you, I hurt you, but it turns out that my heart being hurted the most by my own deeds. And even so many times i tried to sms you, but it just went to dreft box, I dont have the courage to talk to you. So many times, I ask God, did He want us to be together again, but again I thought myself that Im too dirty for you already, and that I really cant completely forgive myself if I go back to you, yet occasionally I miss you so much, thinking how good I never went to KL, hehe, but I think also if I never went to KL ..perhaps your temper would never get well.. well, at least I get an answer from God about one thing... your not for me, since you had girlfriend already, i dont need to keep battling myself, whether we are for each other or not. you know worst thing in my life is to make choices, from chosing one menu when i eat until the choices to choose to put God in my life, I wish a lot of things in my heart a lot a lot of things, on how to serve God, but really my wish is that I dare to stand up for Jesus, for His name one day freely, just that right now i dont have the courage, i dont know why... but i know that He's blessing me so much in my job, everyday Im worrying about my sales, yet He blessed me so much, really, and now even my boss noticed about my outstanding performance in sales, I know I need to learn to believe Jesus, to trust Him ... but the devil is keeping me too strong, leaving me breatheless, I feel so dirty, so tired, so tired... what can I do? so helpless, I feel like one small ant in this big world, I love my grandmother, my mom and my sister, I dont want them to go to hell, lately I cant sleep well, every night, image of hell come in my mind, everyday Jesus came to my mind, yet I dont know why I didnt make any effort to go near him, I wanted to tell Him I love him so much. Sometime I feel so tired, I really wish I can go to Australia half study half working, but when I see my mom, I really cant , I cant use her money, so study actually is no longer a choice Im struggling anymore. Just Im so tired, so tired of this life everyday, yet I cannot go back to Sibu, I dont have anything, but I know I need to keep going on, I just wish I could have that secure feeling, which Im wondering when I will manage to have that kind of feeling, and also I love you so much, that love is unexplainable, I dont know what love is that also, but at least I know it's clean, I wish God would bless you all of your life. In my deepest heart, I wish you happiness with your future family, and with God, and you will go to heaven.
ReplyDeleteIn my heart, I know clearly that Jesus is coming so soon. But my heart is still in between worldy things and the desire to serve God. I wish I could have a comfortable car, home, family . yet I know all these are not everlasting. But you know if one day, Im totally cured, In my imagination, I saw myself in front of a lot of churches, congregations, touching people, hugging people, crying for the lost teenager, telling people words that Jesus really want the world to know, His Heart, His Suffering and His Love, I would go around to deliver people, to pray for people, to anoint people, and reaching out peoples heart, in my imagination, I dont care at all how I looks, I dont care how ugly if I cried, cried out loudly, shouting for God. I would go around the world, help those little kids who are totally helpless, those african kids, I would heal people in Jesus name, and also I would pray and fast with the church member for many days and see things beyond things, and my life is just for Him, just Him until the day I will reunited with Him. I longed to have a personal relationship with Him. focus on Him. Really i feel so sad I betrayed Jesus, I hurt Him everyday, I understand that He loved me so much, Everyday I hurt Him.
ReplyDelete