Too sad...

Dear God,

You know Im too sad, everyday Im too sad, because I miss him too much, I just want someone who can stay beside me, beside me to be with me so I wont that lonely, Lord, Ive think a lot of things lately, Im really lack of confidence, yesterday I went to club another time with friends, meeting new people, yeah, yesterday it feels so good, feel like finally I can forget about Ramin for a moment, in fact I feel so good being "pretty" near the guys, being the centre of attention, I drink and I feel free, I feel so happy, but then, I went back, I cant sleep for whole night, lately, I dont feel like eating again, and this morning I feel so weak, I wanted to vommit, everyday I wake up, I dont know what's the purpose of my life, each day of my life, I feel too lifeless, too empty, too uncertain about my own future, I do hope a lot of things, wish a lot of things.. I wish I can give up Ramin, because I know he already give up on me, but each time I think again how much we loved each other before, every memories, how much I can really feel his heart, I miss that warm hug, warm words, everything from him .. but Infact, Im too lonely now without him, whatelse can I do now My Lord? I dont have any confidence anymore, anymore, anymore... He told me his heart is too broken, too sad, and nothing can heal it, I wonder could he ever be like what Im feeling right now? I wish I can hug him, and feel him another time like before, but Lord, I know I deserve all of these... I know this time when he come back, I will lose him finally, what should I do? I dont have confidence to go to church anymore, can you help me to fill this heart, even you Lord, I cant even feel you, how come? Why Im left so lonely in this earth, why? Gideon is right when he said I can chose my own life, choice is in my hand, but the biggest fear in my life is to make choices. This kills me , hurt me so badly, so much, at the end of the day, I still miss Ramin, or the old Ramin I know, Ramin, I love you, so much. Lord, I remember I told you I know our relationship indeed is a sin, and I asked you to let him treat me badly so I can come bad to you, Im so sorry my Lord because my heart seem to chose him more than you now, Im so sorry My Lord. I dont know what I want in my life.